Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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