Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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