so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
