I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
