Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
