i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
