there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
