Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
