I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
