I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize