1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
