Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Randomize
