today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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