Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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