sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
