There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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