when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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