If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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