Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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