so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
