we have officially lost it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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