I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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