didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
