who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
