Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
