It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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