I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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