i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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