420 ftw
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
