Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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