3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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