Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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