im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i love accidental penises.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize