He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
