I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
