Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize