You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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