Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
