the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
