like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
