Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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