That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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