Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
