If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
