Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize