he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
