I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
