I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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