You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
