i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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