I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
