I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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