she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
