I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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