What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
