You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
