i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
