Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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