It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
