I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
