if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
