I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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