who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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