just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
