so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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