So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
